Posted: 16 October 2006 12:08 AM   [ Ignore ]
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Hello,

I have been a member for awhile but just submitted my first piece tonight. I’m not quite sure how everything works, so I may not have submitted things proprely or in the right place—basically, I would really appreciate any feedback all of you may have on my short story, “Fall”. And if this isn’t the right forum to post to, please feel free to move it.

Thanks! smile

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Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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Posted: 16 October 2006 06:00 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Thank you so much for the feedback! Let me start by telling you that all feedback is informative in a very useful way (to me anyway smile).

As for your comments, I can clearly see why you thought the speaker was a child, because I felt that I was reverting back to very simple and concise thoughts for the speaker (as opposed to what is found in her ‘flashback’ dialogues). I was trying to illustrate that in the end, the last thoughts should not be complicated, rather raw and simple emotions.

The theme came to me naturally, since I thought this story up on our way to my mother-in-law’s…to celebrate my beau’s birthday smile Long trips always trigger my imagination and the story was pretty much written when we got back. All I had to do was transfer it form my head to the computer.

I wasn’t sure if my transitions would confuse the reader—it was pretty clear to me, cauz I knew what I wanted to say, but I’m glad to see that at least that part seems clear.

As for the leaves, I agree with you that they are already dead when they fall, the idea I was trying to express was that the speaker is also dying (or as good as dead anyway), but not realizing it (just like the leaves) so naturally this is projected in her thoughts. This is her final leap—although in essence she will not survive, she is living her last fall.

Again, thank you so much for your comments and feedback, it is immensely appreciated!  cheese

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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Posted: 16 October 2006 06:13 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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I agree it’s thought-provoking, and it is well-written.  I think the leaves are okay because no metaphor is going to be perfect and that one did fit very well.  My only problem is with the dialogue, and it reinforces Dave’s advice to me once.  Your characters are making long speeches.  Since they’re not explaining quantum mechanics, I don’t think the exchange, the give-and-take, is realistic.  It’s not bad, it just sounds slightly stilted to me.  And nothing happened while they spoke, the dialogue is alone in a void, that adds to the speech effect.

As far as story-line, well, if someone were to think of a story idea about a pink-and-purple polka-dotted cow who decided to take up boxing, they could rest assured it will have already been done a hundred times over.  It’s a cool theme.  No, it’s not new, nothing is completely new, but you handled it with your voice in your style, and that’s what makes it individual.

Did I know how it was going to end halfway through the third paragraph?  Of course.  But the trouble with foreshadowing is if you make it the slightest bit too explicit, 99% of your readers will come up to you saying it was way too obvious, and if you try to edge it just a tiny bit toward being more obscure, 99% will complain that they didn’t understand the story and it was too obscure.  I think to error on the side of clearer foreshadowing is safe; because people enjoy knowing what’s going to happen, as long as they don’t know every step of the way.  I think you pitched it at the right level. 

To sum it all up, I think it was well-written.  I think you handled a couple of tough things well, and the only thing I think needed work was the dialogue.

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Posted: 17 October 2006 10:13 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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Again, I have to say ‘Thank you for the feedback’!

I do agree with you about the dialogues, I also think they are a bit long and ‘staged’. I hesitated adding background to them because I really did want them to stand alone, as if all the speaker is remembering is what was said, and not the situation per say. I considered re-writing them to make them more natural but I think I’m going to let the ideas sink in a little, then re-visit the issue.

I’ve always had a tough time with dialogues (I am much more comfortable with thoughts, descriptions and feelings) because I can’t for the life of me transfer the sound of a discussion on paper. Not a lot of people really speak like they write—because they don’t take the time to think about it—but to write down sentences that are not grammatically correct yet still make sense to a reader is tough!

Any advice on that front would also be really appreciated.

Again, thank you so much for the feedback—I will make good use of it smile

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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Posted: 13 December 2006 03:17 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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Star, your first reply in this thread is a response to something I wrote, and I was just trying to figure out where I put it.  Any ideas?

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Posted: 13 December 2006 09:38 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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Dave,

If memory serves, I believe my first reply was in fact to a post by a member who has since left the site.

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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