Posted: 02 January 2007 02:34 PM   [ Ignore ]
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Hey, it’s a new cheery story about guns and stuff.

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Posted: 12 January 2007 04:45 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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I like the idea of having two different times described in a sequence of ‘the crime scene’ and the ‘cell’.
It was hard for me to figure out the gender of the criminal at the beginning until I reached paragraph number ten. It would be better if the character depicted some aura of femininity. But then again it might be your intention to portray the fragility of a woman surrendering to the manly strength of committing a fearless murder.
I like the mystery of the criminal not being sure whether she did it for self-defence or she really meant to kill the guy.
To me, it urges for respect towards women, as “the ‘real’ crime is the owner making the women work the nightshifts alone”. Or maybe I am being too Feminist!

—Shazeh

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Slow down you crazy child… you’re so ambitious for a juvenile… - Billy Joel

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Posted: 14 January 2007 12:34 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Andrew,

well done! I really enjoyed this story. I for one like being surprised by the gender - why do we always assume a shooter to be male?

The one twist I really enjoyed is that the reader never really knows whether the person who was shot was a robber - one could easily imagine that the shooter was so traumatized by her earlier beating that she just shot an innocent customer thinking she was in danger.

I don’t really have any constructive feedback, I just really enjoyed it as it is smile

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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Posted: 14 January 2007 07:24 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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Hi guys,

Thanks very much for your comments on this.  Good to hear that you enjoyed it. 

I’ll take a look at that gender identification again.  I seem to remember a reviewer mentioning this elsewhere—I though I put in a signpost rather earlier on in the story in response to that, but I may be wrong.

I’m hoping to be a bit more active on this site very soon.  I’ve recently moved into my first ‘proper’ full-time job and now I’m in the midst of moving into a flat (painting, decorating, nightmare!).  The plan is that this will be sorted out in a couple of weeks time…I hope, I hope.

Thanks again,

Andrew.

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