Hi Vishnu,
I enjoyed the premise of this piece, and I have a few comments that I hope will be helpful.
First, I think the story might benefit from a few ‘breathers’. I would consider splitting it up in a few paragraphs, for ease of reading and visual appeal. I find myself much more attracted to pieces that allow for a little space - the ‘block writing’ style I find a little harder to follow.
In certain parts of the story, I also felt as though you were trying to put down an idea that is clear in your head but didn’t quite develop it enough to make it clear to the reader. Here’s an example:
‘‘I turned back and front. Nothing. The people in my front and back were staring coldly back at me. After all those retards depended on me to get some marks out.’‘
At first I assumed they were other students taking the exam, and then I got confused - how can someone sitting in front of you (presumably at a desk, with his/her back turned to you) be staring back at you? Why do they rely on you to ‘get some marks out’, and what does that really mean? Maybe developing this thought a little further for the benefit of readers who don’t have as clear an idea as you have about what you are trying to say would help.
I would also encourage you to take a look at your first to third person narrative. Your character switches from talking to him/herself to engaging the reader, sometimes in the same sentence, which makes the reading a bit choppy at times.
Again, overall, I thought the story was good - I like the idea and was amused by the ending. I just thought a few comments from a ‘typical reader’ might be useful.
Keep on writing, I’m looking forward to reading more from you!
- Star
