I like the idea—I think this can be a good poem, but I do have a few thoughts about the following bit.
“on the metaphorical table
in hopes of reeling in the good stuff -
the ancient, good-as-new light of stars
or the whisper of welcome snow
or every species and strain of love.”
I’d strongly suggest finding a way around actually using the word “metaphorical” in that first line. Personally, I found that it yanked me out of the poem like a teacher forcing me to look for literary devices.
Also, lines three and four of the above section didn’t strike me as much as line five, which I thought was a great, concise way of describing an elusive concept. I realize I’m getting a lot more subjective with this point, so maybe somebody else will help me out and weigh in with a second opinion.
