Posted: 28 February 2008 09:58 PM   [ Ignore ]
Total Posts:  2
Joined  2008-02-28

What could be added to make this longer?
Who do you think are the author’s influences?

(Click the post title to read the submission.)

Posted: 29 February 2008 07:08 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
Total Posts:  343
Joined  2006-12-13

Ha ha ha!  I love the ending.

Couple of typos:

He continued, pretending she wasn’t seriously considering such a heinous suggestion.  [Everything else is in the first person]

“Whatever you they want to, I suppose,” I replied quickly.

Posted: 06 March 2008 11:52 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
Total Posts:  639
Joined  2005-08-30

The ending is excellent.  I have a lot of trouble with the beginning though.  The shortening is good (I assume this is accurate because I can’t remember anything that was in there before - ie you removed stuff that wasn’t memorable).  The trouble is the depth to which the narrator goes in his effort to explain himself.  It does show a tendency towards verbosity that fits the character, and it might even have the very good effect of setting the reader up to enjoy the ending more.  I know if someone told me this, I’d hunger for examples, so here are a few:
“Well, held back sounds like…” in the paragraph comparing childhoods.
“Besides, it would finally give me that new beginning I sought.” - and some of the rest of that paragraph.  The reference to the therapist is good, it’s the commentary around it that I’m nitpicking.

I hope I am more helpful than harsh.  I very much think that the ending justifies more work on it as it touches on issues I hold dearly (identity).


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