Posted: 13 March 2008 12:21 PM   [ Ignore ]
Total Posts:  8
Joined  2008-02-19

Did reading this remind you of someone?
What could be edited out to shorten this?

(Click the post title to read the submission.)

Posted: 13 March 2008 02:57 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
Total Posts:  42
Joined  2008-02-18

Does this remind me of anyone?

Hmm… well the line about the foam in the cup reminded me of my house mate, Caramel Carmen, who just introduced me to Cafa Au Lait’s—spectacular toddy and steamed milk. YUM!

Seriously, though, this poem had a wonderful flow—your tone was so consistent. I am not a poet (fiction writer), so I don’t know if I can speak to this poem perfectly, but some of the conventions you used—use of color, tangible items, varied language were all done quite well.

As to how it could be shortened… I don’t know… I am currently on this editing kick and trying to figure that out myself.

I was thinking that second “take” you have might be able to be removed, but I really feel like that’s prescriptive and don’t want to touch the poem in that way… But, I will keep thinking about this.

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