I need this to be critiqued to help me improve it.

Well, this isn’t a big deal, and it’s not technically anything wrong, in fact I’m probably going to be the only one who thinks this, but the meter seemed to break down and get smaller.  Keep in mind I’m definitely not a poetry expert.

It starts out with a nice almost dance step:  dah DAH dah DAH dah dah DAH dah dah dah
next line:  dah DAH dah dah DAH dah dah dah DAH Personally, since I’m a musical sort, to me that’s missing a sylolable.

I can’t help it, it’s just me, but when poetry has a discernible meter and rhythm, I like it to follow a logical progression through it.

Then it gets even shorter through the rest.  To me it sounds top-heavy and unfulfilled.  Although that’s probably a ridiculous impression that only I get.

Also, I think the way you’ve constructed it, it wants a middle stanza.  You’ve got an introduction and a moral, the way it reads to me.

But keep in mind that I know little about poetry.

Thanks iconoclast. Though you said that it was just a ridiculous impression that only you got, I still respect your opinion. Afterall the reader’s satisfaction counts to a writer’s/poet’s success.

Yeah it does sounds top-heavy, but i dont think so I want an another stanza in the middle. I just wanted to have a ‘moral’ of the Eclipse and nothing else. The first stanza was just to describe how the Sun loses its glory.

But if you stress that you are not a poetry expert, then I will take your word for it and won’t do any changes for the mean time.

Thankyou.

Shazeh,

Please excuse my *very* late response here in the forum… I wanted to suggest that the authority of the experts (in my opinion) is the *last* thing you should rely on.  Of course, you might already know that I am extremely anti-auhoritarian .  I guess you kind of rattled my cage, petted my peeve (hey, a new metaphor, no?), pushed my buttons, salted my wounds, rubbed me the wrong way, rained on my parade, and burst my bubble when you decided that you’d make no changes because Icon admits his lack of poetic expertise.

I’ve really overreacted, eh?  Really, I kind of grew fascinated with the list of metaphors.  But always remember that your readers are more important than the experts.

Yeah I did say readers matter to me… but then it should be a majority. I am not saying that I have’nt kept Icon’s suggestion in my mind. Afterall, thousands or billions, they all start with ‘one’. You know what i mean…
And I said that I wont do any changes for the ‘mean time’. That means I may change it after I get similar responses from other readers.
Thanks,
Shazeh
P.S ( Dave, your metaphors suddenly made me feel guilty of my crime)