Posted: 22 October 2008 12:31 AM   [ Ignore ]
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I’m leaving this open for discussion.  What do you think?

(Click the post title to read the submission.)

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Posted: 14 November 2008 10:26 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Hi Trikky,

Well I finally have a bit of time for myself and got around to reading your story. I thought the concept was great and I love the wit and lightness you’ve injected in it. I like the idea of a goofy dragon and a smart but peculiar girl.

I felt the flow of your story broke a bit with the stick part. I didn’t quite understand how the dragon (as big as a small house) was not visible to the girl anymore after the brainwashing - it seems clear to me that he is still there, but that she doesn’t see him. I think your narration of the headmaster’s thoughts contributed to the break in flow as well, because I wasn’t sure who the narrator was anymore. It might have flowed better if you had narrated his thoughts (The headmaster thought this an opportune moment to make good use of the spell used to wipe one’s memory—for example). That would keep the flow of your narration in context with what you’ve used to draw the reader in from the beginning.

Overall, an enjoyable read, and great conclusion. I thought it was light, funny and witty.

I really enjoyed your first submission - looking forward to reading more of your work!

- Star

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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Posted: 17 November 2008 09:53 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Thanks for the review! I never really knew what to do with the stick part, but the narration sounds like a good idea.

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