Posted: 16 November 2008 06:51 PM   [ Ignore ]
Total Posts:  3
Joined  2007-01-09

I’m leaving this open for discussion.  What do you think?

(Click the post title to read the submission.)

Posted: 18 November 2008 11:28 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
Total Posts:  286
Joined  2006-07-29

Hi yosome,

I really liked the idea behind your story. It was a little difficult to follow for me, because at times you seem to push too many different ideas in one paragraph, and I find myself not being clear on how they relate. I like your ‘relaxed’ story telling stlye. I feel that it’s a bit too slack at certain times though, and maybe putting a bit more work into your grammar and sentence structure would help on that front. I might suggest that if you’re going to write something that has that kind of wordcount, you could make it even longer and develop your ideas a little more. That would make the story even more interesting and might help untangle those many elements.

As far as voting in the context of this Short Contest category, I ducked a few points for the length and not seeing a donkey in there. That should be easy to fix, in my opinion, as you have many, many donkey opportunities in there!! wink

- Star


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Editing your stuff: Because an apostrophe is often all that stands between writers who know their shit and writers who know they’re shit.

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