Posted: 17 March 2009 12:14 PM   [ Ignore ]
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What could be edited out to shorten this?

(Click the post title to read the submission.)

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Posted: 25 March 2009 01:25 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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This certainly held my interest, and it is a good story.  Please take my criticism with a grain of salt…

There are some spots where the story says what shouldn’t be said.  If a reader is smart enough to appreciate it, that reader will already know it.  Clues about it would be nice - allegorical or whatever, but these statements are explicit and I guess “condescending” might be an appropriate description:

On a normal day it made him feel happy, but since the events of the previous night, a black cloud had been hanging over him.

Angus really was joking, but it got Jack thinking—
What if I did kill those people?  What if my dreams are real?
The idea scared the hell out of him so he decided not to think about it any more - at least not for now.

The last sentence in this one is a good idea, but something more like “What he was capable of scared the hell out of Jack, so he decided…” would do the trick.  Any reader paying attention doesn’t need the first part.

This next part is too contrived for me.  It would make more sense to say that Solomon was tailing them just to see them off safely, but then the delay would have to be explained - that could have something to do with the murderer guy causing Solomon’s delay…

They had made a plan to be tailed by Solomon until they got to Abakaliki, just in case they got into trouble.

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Posted: 08 April 2009 03:31 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Thanks Dave.  I’ll give it a bit of a re-write.  Always a bonus to get some free editing and critiques!!!

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Posted: 17 April 2009 06:36 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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OKAY - THAT IS EDITED AND UPDATED NOW.

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