OK, I read that people were encouraged to comment here, and I think this is a cool site, and I would like to see comments on my own stuff.  So don’t be offended, and please say whatever seems helpful to anything *I* do.

I like this because it’s fast-paced and the paragraphs are short.  The whole piece is short, which is a blessing.  The best things in life are short (where possible). 

There’s lots of sensory and immediate detail which makes me identify with and follow the story and the character.

Then… I couldn’t figure out why he/she did it.  I don’t get it.  At the beginning it says:

<<Hadn’t they left already? What day is it? I’m not sure, but I’m sure I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone.>>

Then his/my/your friend meets us in the parking lot, and she knows you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. But “conscience” knows?  Who’s he? I mean, I can’t tell what’s going on, or what the character is thinking, or who he/she is. 

<<and you wish to kill them while they are in class>>

HUH??

Well, did he or didn’t he wish to kill them?  And who is this chick? 
I like the fact that the story is shorter, but maybe it needs to be longer, for me to figure out what’s going on.  It reminds me of Columbine.  I think it’s a good idea to try to capture the mind of a terrorist or a lunatic, but I don’t understand, and I need to, if you’re going to Go There.

Cheers…
Julie

Hi,

Thanks for the comment. Is it the eleventh already?

You crack me up (HUH???), but no, this isn’t about terrorists or terrorists minds at all. I would definitely go there if I went there, and the approach would have a common vein. It’s about understanding people and giving them the opportunity to learn and, thereby, the opportunity to make mistakes. Good guys and bad guys, whoever is what to whom. It’s just that the classroom is life and in making mistakes there is so much more at stake, so understanding is a frustating complex and class sessions are stretched over history with no clear end date.

I had this dream a few weeks ago after I decided the world was not worthy of peace, knowledge, repair. Content, I could not only sleep, I could go on living. But my “mind’s” answer?  “You wish to kill them while they’re still in class.”  To fatally condemn for errors in their lessons. And they’re so young, they’re just beginning. The irony is that life perceivably does not forgive for lessons unlearned, but conscience says “will you allow process? will you hold them accountable for something they know nothing yet about?” There really isn’t a question.

I condensed it to resemble a narrative, but it’s not really a story, it’s an idea. I didn’t add much because that would make it too heavy and less like a dream. Maybe it would come across better if I posted it in “Life.”  The elements of short story wouldn’t be necessary.

I need to comment more, yeah, and I need to comment immediately. I’m more caught in debates than actual creative constructional criticism (We’re changing the world one comment at a time). Then, I turn other stories over for days and weeks, which is good for you to know that your work is being thought of, but no good if you don’t know it. I won’t stoop to comment your pieces in my thread, but I have something to say about the Saddam Poem, the Customer Service Essay, and that cute little thing about God.

Thanks always,

Prosit!

V