Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Gaddafi Surrenders: Agrees to Makeover

Category: Humor/Satire
State Department, Harpo Studios, and Gaddafi Close Multi-year Mega Deal.

Ugly Man Signs with Oprah for Televised Makeover

In a move unprecedented in the annals of television talk show history, Oprah Winfrey and Harpo Studios signed a multi-year mega deal with Libyan warlord Colonel Muammar Qaddafi to abdicate power, end his rein of terror, and move to America, in exchange for a lucrative three year contract to repent his sins, repair his humanity, and repackage his appeal, via the miracle of TV. The deal was brokered by former president Bill Clinton.

“There are angels at work here…” Oprah exclaimed her delight in typical flamboyant style. “This is good news. Right here on my network, the transformation of the hideous Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi dictator, despot, and despicable D E V I L…”

Insiders say the personal services contract package includes provisions for housing, meals, and a weekly million dollar stipend for security. In the guaranteed contract, Colonel Gaddafi agrees to appear once a week for three full seasons as the one and only featured celebrity patient/guest submitting to an hour long session of personality analysis, pointed criticism, professional advice, and public counsel, from the learned Dr. Phil. In addition, the fine print includes perks like a complete wardrobe makeover, two annual week long televised trips to the famous Spa at The Carlton Club at The Ritz-Carlton Chicago, 1,000 pairs of designer shoes by Delorio, and a made for TV miniseries -including a funded pilot plus an order for 26 episodes with the working title, “A Mad Man Named Muammar”.

Sources close to the negotiations said the film will be a biographical soap opera written by Gaddaffi, and starring the former general playing himself. The show is tentatively scheduled to air midnights, M-F on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) starting late next year, pending written approval by U. S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, electronic surveyence by the NSA (National Security Agency), observation by the DOD (Department of Defense), and daily delivery monitoring by the U.S. Postal Inspection Service (USPIS).

By far the biggest item in the deal is the controversial live in prime time Father's Day Face Transplant Extravaganza, featuring surgery performed by Dr. Oz, another Oprah protege. The actual face transplant donor will be selected by results of a live national call in poll.

“I, my staff, and my friend Gayle have accomplished more in one week than the entire world of men has accomplished in forty years,” observed Oprah. “This proves women with money can do anything men with money can do, only better. Woof woof wooof, Woman Power!"

"The deal maker was the face transplant surgery,” Gayle later confided to her long time companion and friend. “Let’s face it. The guy is seriously ugly. He just does not look good on camera. He is vain, crude, and rude. He is murderously ill-tempered. His soul is rotten to the core, and I am told he smells like camel dung. If ever a man needed a makeover from soul to sole, he is it. He needs a lot of help. It made good business sense to close the deal before NATO Forces make him an offer he cannot refuse.”

“I was stumped on how to close this deal," Oprah admitted openly. "The guy is worth billions. I mean, what does a woman offer a man who has everything? Fortunately, Gayle had the answer. She said, “Feed his vanity, girl. Stroke his massive ego. Play with his head. Lie to him. Tell him he is ‘The One’. Do unto him like I do unto you..."

“...The colonel lacks sex appeal." the queen of TV volunteered over a glass of celbratory wine. "I'm sure he would benefit from a Rachel Ray diet. No more roast lamb with mint jelly super suppers. No more late night snacks of goat jerky and humus for this African fat man. Gayle, make sure to burn those tacky third world drapes he wears and replace them with custom tailored Armani. Let’s see… maybe a smooth close shave and a buzz cut, topped with a cool Cubs baseball cap. Do we dare let him go shirtless and sexy,dressed in blue jeans and sun glasses, like Denzel? Or should he 'Go Native' -au natural, like Samuel L. Jackson? Maybe I can morph him into a sexy heart throb ala Omar Sharif. SueeEEY... Making a monster into a star is much harder than making a wimpy U.S. Senator into a failed one term president."

"Gayle, call Julia Roberts back. Tell her Oprah says, 'She can direct only if she co-stars with this bad-boy'..."

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