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Friday, April 01, 2011

Giant Prehistoric Shrimp Discovered

Category: Humor/Satire

Giant Prehistoric Shrimp Discovered

Dateline: New Orleans, La. USA.

March 25, 2011.

Twenty miles SSE of New Orleans, fisherman Ng “Bigyen” Xuat, former Vietnamese national turned American citizen, found a surprise in his net at the end of a hard day’s work -a twelve foot long, three foot wide, four hundred pound shrimp.

“The humongous crustacean, which has yet to be offically classified as being a shrimp by modern science, is the strangest reported catch of the year,” offered Dr. Jeffery Gluts chief Ichthyologist and resident fellow at the highly esteemed Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution in Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

“Most shrimp grow only inches in length and weigh less than an ounce. Ordinarily, even the larger shrimp do not weigh more than a few pounds. However, I understand this creature is twelve feet long and weighs in @ 410 lbs, 10 ounces. If this is true, then it is the largest shrimp ever harvested from the wilds of the Gulf of Mexico, and it may be the largest shrimp ever taken from the sea. Judging by the known rate of growth for shrimp, this creature could be between three and five thousand years old.  It could be a prehistoric precursor to the sea crocodile, or a distant cousin to what we know as modern day shrimp.  Amidst all this controversy, one thing is for certain: This day will go down in history. I must hurry to Louisiana to inspect and preserve this magnificent specimen until we can study it more closely.  –J.Gluts -Ocean Scientist

Those who have seen the sea creature close up talk of how it resembles a giant shrimp.

“This wonderful shrimp is so huge it will take hours to cook her to perfection,” commented Ralph Jules, head chef at nearby Ralph’s Seafood Café. “But I am up to the challenge. First, it must be cleaned, deveined, trimmed, and then sautéed in clarified butter, all the while swimming in gallons of my special homemade garlic sauce. Then, I would lightly toast it on an open pit fire until it turns golden brown and soft to the touch. A shrimp of this size would easily feed a party of 200 adults, two pounds of shrimp apiece.”

Hearing the news of the “Biggest Shrimp Ever Caught”, by mid-afternoon, five hundred neighbors, fellow fishermen, and curious citizens alike, gathered at the water’s edge in Ocean View Bayou, La., to be part of the party atmosphere, and to catch a glimpse of the never before seen sea creature. County and State police cordoned off a large area so as to enable local Fish and Game authorities, high ranking officers of The United States Coast Guard, and various national and international media outlets to take pictures for their files. At the time of this report, officials from the Guinness Book of World Records have been informed of the situation and are reportedly inbound at supersonic speed to south Louisiana on a British military jet, to verify the facts, statistics, and situation, of the record catch.

As onlookers gathered along the shoreline, Mr. Ng Xuat and members of his crew displayed the creature with great care.  Suddenly, a voice in the crowd yelled, “Mưa đá là “vua tôm tất cả”” in Vietnamese, which literally translates to “Hail the King of All Shrimp” in English. The outburst caused a sponteaneous round of applause and more loud cheers.  The appropiately nicknamed creature was then immediately purchased by a fish broker, in a private sale. While terms of the dockside sale were not disclosed, rumors persist the all cash - cash only price hovered in the high six or low seven figures.

“This is really big news.  Around these here parts, everyone makes their living out on the water.  To see one of your neighbors get rich by doing what he loves to do inspires us all to try harder.  I hope someone will pay me a million dollars when I catch a bigger shrimp tomorrow.”  Frank Vebow, Captain of the shrimp boat Othello -Neighbor of Ng Xuat.

“This is a good thing for the community”, offered Joel West, president of Big Fish -Little Fish Seafood Company, and self-appointed ambassador of good will for the 1,000 member South Louisiana Seafood Association. “If this thing tastes as good as it looks, this could revitalize the fishing business around here. I can’t wait to chow down on a platter of delicious giant shrimp and a pitcher of ice cold beer.”

Pleased with his good fortune, Mr. Xuat declared, “Life is wonderful. God is good. The Lord has sent this sea creature to us to help revitalize the Gulf of Mexico seafood industry. I am glad this creature choose my net to rest his soul in. I can finally afford fuel for my boat and a new pair of shoes for my wife. It is a blessing.  Let us celebrate this good fortune, my brothers. I buy beer for everyone.  We get ‘Boocoo dinky dau’.  Everyone Wang Chung Tonight.”

Cigar smoking J Martin Farnsworth, CEO, CFO, COO, and President of Catch, Cook, & Consume Seafood Company, headquartered in Miami, Florida, has contracted with Fijian Intecontinental Sea Harvesters Inc, (FISH, Inc) to implement a managed effort to net as many of the giant shrimp as possible. The 1,000 boat flotilla of ocean going, laser guided, remote controlled, submersible fishing trawlers, is currently en route en masse to the Canal Zone in Panama, Central America, in hopes of entering international waters in the Gulf of Mexico to set up a “A Satellite Enhanced Grid” to efficiently roundup from the sea as many of the newly found shrimp as is mechanically possible. A spokesperson for C C & C Seafood Company revealed the successful negotiation of an open ended contract with the robotic sea harvesters to purchase all the live giant shrimp the computerized fleet can deliver to their Florida processing plant.

Unconfirmed rumors abound as yet another cash rich seafood company famous for lobsters has purchased a one-half interest in the one of a kind specimen from the local fish broker, to use in a national advertising campaign planned for their 700 national restaurants. No details of that subsequent sale have been made public.

On a side note, scientists are at a loss to explain why this ageless creature, an obvious source of great curiosity and speculation, suddenly appeared from out of nowhere. It is not known at this time if or how the disastrous oil spill has affected these and other deep-water life forms, or what, if any, impact a decade of intense hurricanes may have to do with this discovery. Researchers also suspect recent seismic activity under the world’s oceans may have disturbed the shrimp by dislodging or disrupting ancient breeding grounds, causing them to surface at this time.

“In maters like these, when there is a discovery of a previously unknown species of life, in the sea or on land, it is wise to proceed with extreme care and caution,” advises Dr. Fred Fields of Tulane University. “That sea creature caught off shore of New Orleans this afternoon may be a missing link between mammal and fish.  Who knows what benefits will accrete to humanity from the study of this discovery.  This creature could be the only one of its kind left in the world.  It is imperative to protect it from extinction.  -Dr. Fred Fields, Phd. -Department of Ocean Management, Tulane University

10:Pm Headline News Update: Local police remain on alert this evening ready to move on and arrest dozens of citizens in order to quell a disturbance in the tiny shoreline community of Ocean View, La.

Eyewitnesses report a riot started when a crowd of hungry onlookers mingled on the docks until dusk, shortly after the party to celebrate the discovery of a prehistoric sea creature ran out of liquid refreshments.  Suddenly, the mob turned ugly, began menacing, went on a rampage, breaking store windows, setting fires, and looting the local Piggly Wiggly of its entire stock of Budweiser, fresh lemons, and cocktail sauce.  Next, like a band of wild west vigilantes, the drunken out of control mob stormed the unguarded fish house freezer where the giant shrimp was being kept on ice overnight.  Some one from the rampaging crowd lassoed the sea creature with a rope, while persons unknown dragged it outside, threw it on a raging tire fire, and tragically devoured the one and only “King of all Shrimp”.

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