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Sunday, August 07, 2011

Grandpa Willey to Host “Bailout America” Telethon

Category: Humor/Satire

Benefit Concert for Uncle Sam

In his most patriotic effort to date, American country superstar, Willie Nelson, famous for his Farm Aid series of fundraisers, announced plans to stage a world-wide telethon to benefit the United States Treasury. Corporate sponsors of the event include financial institutions AIG, Citibank, Bank of America, Bank of China, Goldman Sachs, and American Express; retailers, Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Sears, JC Penny, Target, and K-Mart. American based global multi-national corporations General Electric, General Motors, McDonald’s, United Airlines, including international beverage brands, Coca Cola, Pepsi-Co, and Budweiser, are among thousands of other well known businesses pledging support.


To date,500 of the 928 corporation that received bailout money, and 10,000 who did not, have responded with valid offers to pitch in and to participate. These businesses will provide cash, goods or services, personnel and product, to support and promote the success of this historic event locally and around the world.”


“We going to rock the Capital,” declared Willie. “The main venue will be the spacious seven acre Lafayette Park, directly across from the White House, in Washington, D.C.”


The too long to list here, list of unpaid volunteer performers, includes headliners, The Judd’s, Vince Gill, Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z, Madonna, Britney Spears, Jon Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, and a special appearance by Sir Paul McCartney, who, along with his pal Ringo Star, will perform the Beatles classic, ”With a Little Help From My Friends”.


“It is rumored, Lady Gaga, the pop culture phenomenon, will perform a live striptease during which six scantily clad minions will shave the alleged star hairless, then attach her to a giant cotton candy machine and spin her until she is cocooned in sticky pink sugars, before she jumps into the crowd to be licked clean. Meanwhile, the legendary guitar man, Carlos Santana, will accompany Lady Gaga with another classic yet unique 30 minute solo performance.


In an after the concert special added feature, a consortium of airlines will continue the fun and provide deluxe air transportation for ticket holders from around the world to Las Vegas, Nevada, for seven days and six nights of non-stop charitable auctions, high-stakes gambling, and wild parties. The City of Las Vegas Association of Hotels and Casinos will donate deluxe luxury accommodations for all. Meals will be provided by participating restaurants owed by celebrity chefs Wolfgang Puck, Emeril Lagasse, among others.

In a special featured event, on Labor Day, Monday, September 05, 2011, in the main room at The Bellagio Hotel and Casino, ten real life billionaires will play a real life game of Monopoly, in a winner takes all, James Bond like, bloodcurdling game of cut-throat capitalism and financial dominance. All tax proceeds go to benefit The U. S. Treasury. The winner will be crowned with a cap emblazoned with the coverted accolade, “2011 World Champion Billionaire”.


On the morning on the next to the last day, ticket holding pleasure seekers who are still able to walk or stand upright, will board buses, be blindfolded, and driven to Groom Lake, Nevada, where The United States Air Force, in conjunction with the CIA, NASA, and The Office of the President, will unveil, for the first time ever, the remains of the UFO that crashed in the high plains dessert at Roswell, New Mexico, in 1947. Air Force four-star General Walter Dimici, Sr., head of the newly formed UFO Task Force, will introduce millionaire contributors to a trio of live extraterrestrial beings who crashed to earth in 2003, and who are unfortunately unable to return home. The one time only, “Meet and Greet the Grays” extravaganza will be held underground beneath Hanger 18, at the super secret Area 51.


“Everyone knows I have done charity benefits like this before,” stated the superstar recording artist. ”But this will be different. ’Bailout Uncle Sam” telethon will be the biggest fundraiser in the history of mankind.


According to Wikipedia, there are between ten and fifteen million certified millionaires in the world, and over 1,000 billionaires on our planet, including Carlos Slim, Steven Jobs, and record mogul, Mr. Don Eminizer. This concert will bring rich people together for a good cause with good music.”

“It is too sad. We are on the road to bankruptcy.” lamented Willey “Government spending is way out of control. One out ten of our fellow citizens is unemployed. The S&P rating agency has recently downgraded America’s credit rating. Our tax code is so riddled with loopholes it resembles Swiss Cheese. Poor people struggle to pay their bills, while multi-billion dollar corporations pay no income taxes at all. We are at war in three countries, maybe more. Our borders are wide open and unprotected. In this time of financial crisis, government officials are acting like damned fools playing politics instead of taking care of business. Hopefully we can change all that with the biggest charity concert in human history.”


“I am asking every country that has ever received aid from America, or any corporation or person that ever received a grant or a bailout, or a student loan from Uncle Sam, to payback all outstanding debts, settle all accounts, and give freely to the cause to ‘Bailout Uncle Sam’ from his troubles.” Willey continued. “If every millionaire in the world buys at least one ticket, we can save the bastion of capitalism, eliminate our national debt, and put Uncle Sam back in the saddle again.”

“While I was never good at arithmetic, my accountants tell me a thousand millions is a billion, and a thousand billions is a trillion,” offered Willey. “All we need is a million dollars from 14 million millionaires to save America. I pray we can do this. After all, without America as the engine of finance and freedom across the world, dollars would be worthless like Mexican Pesos, or Russian Rubles, or Greek Drachmas, making western style capitalism come to a catastrophic halt.”


“I am a patriot. I love America,” the megastar of stage and screen declared. “I forgive the IRS for their past transgressions against me and mine. I call on my friends and fans across the world to gather in peace. The ‘Bailout Uncle Sam’ telethon is an idea who’s time has come. America is the greatest country in the world. I call on all rich people, businessmen and businesswomen, movie stars, entertainers, music moguls, Wall Street bankers, stockbrokers, and rich oil tycoons, to do the right thing and help ‘Bailout Uncle Sam’. Without America as the world’s money playground, all of us will be poorer…”


“My pal Snoop Dogg assures me he and his posse can sell autographed joints for $10,000 apiece at the concert. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have volunteered to host an old fashion county fair kissing booth with a celebrity twist, and America’s favorite rich man, Warren Buffet, will personally arrange a private photo opportunity with President Obama, who will smoke a blunt with anyone who forks over a million bucks to discover the location of the Hidden Valley Ranch.”


“Bailout Uncle Sam” telethon will begin on Friday, September 02, 2011 and last for seven days.


Working class citizens whose schedule prevents their attendance, should not be angry. A simultaneous Pay-Per-View (PPV) subscription signal will be broadcast around the world by a consortium of satellite and cable companies spearheaded by Verizon, AT&T, Disney, Comcast, and Zing – Zing Do, the Chinese video pirating company, among others.

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