Monday, February 18, 2008

I Dare You

Category: Short Story
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Old Comments

  • Well I really enjoyed this story, thoroughly. So much so that I probably didn’t have the time it took to read it and still couldn’t stop. I loved it. It was very sad, and moving and I don’t have a great relationship with my brother but this still resonated with me. Maybe it’s that idea that no one is perfect, and that’s what makes it so special.

    A few things, I was sort of put off by the ghost in the shower beginning. Obviously not enough to cease reading and I loved how it ended with the ghost in the shower. What I didn’t understand was the Dennis ending. And being left. Was it specific to Dennis, or the father, and Luke? It sort of felt jarring and somewhat out of place. Perhaps I missed a bit of the ending. But otherwise, I loved the line “I put him there.” I wonder if there isn’t a more clear way to communicate the abandonment a little sooner, perhaps I just didn’t pick up on the cues of where it was going. If not, you might want to add a little something to make it more clear. I found Dennis leaving a little out of character with the rest of the piece, again maybe I just didn’t see it coming.

    Just the same. I loved this and will rank it highly, accordingly. And when they blew up the shed, that had me giggling. Something my own brothers and I would have done. Was this written from personal experience, just curious. I suppose that in itself is a huge compliment, you have capture the essence of grief very well.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  02/29  at  01:50 AM
  • One more thing, when I scrolled up, I’d forgotten the title to this piece. I wouldn’t have expected this piece from that title. I wonder if you might want to call it something different, to capture grief, loss, etc? Just a thought.

    And is this part of a larger piece?

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  02/29  at  01:52 AM
  • I’ve been grief-riddled myself, so this resonates.
    I found the ending a bit quick.  I do understand why Dennis might get fed up, but not everyone might… there might be a bit more lead-up to it. 

    “There was never a beginning.
    The ending is your choice.
    Leave me.
    I dare you.”

    I’m not sure why “there was never a beginning”.  It seems to me that there’s lots (of good stuff) about beginnings in this story.  Also it wasn’t Luke’s choice to die, most likely.  I guess you’re trying to convey the bitterness of bereavement.  I get that, but again, not everyone might. 

    Couple of typos: 

    “Those two seconds are hell.

    They were well.”  << I expect it should be “hell”?

    “was in labor for my first child”  << “labour WITH my first child”?

    power point <<  maybe “PowerPoint presentation?

    All that said I thought this was really good, well-written and evocative. 


    Posted by julianyway  on  02/29  at  07:58 PM
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