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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Might Be Worthwhile

Category: Life Winners, Issue 2

There are a lot of things we do that we think are useless or just a time pass kind of a thing and you never realize that one day something bigger than you imagined can come out of your useless, time wasting activity.

I started chatting 5 years back. I am not sure if most of the people know about it but I started chatting on mirc, software through which u can connect to different channel and chat with people. Everyday I used to sit on my specific time at night and it used to go on for hours. If I am asked what I used to talk about, I can’t recall of a single conversation worthwhile.
Everyday I used to appear with a different nick so that no one can know it’s the same person. Why I used to do that? Umm well I just thought if I keep one nick, I might end up talking to one particular person every night and I might get attached to it. It might become harder to let go and I don’t like that someone becomes my weakness to the extent that the mere thought of not talking for a single night becomes difficult for my mind to imagine. I know there is no harm in getting attached to someone but still I didn’t want that. The main reason to chat was to know people just for the sake of knowing or maybe just to pass some time. I don’t like to depend on someone neither do I like someone to depend on me. I don’t want to make someone so weak that to make the next step he has to look back for me. I like to pick people up, help them to walk and let go. Although I will always be behind them just in case they fall back or when they are about to choose the wrong path, might be around to guide them. Other than that I find no reason to hold on to the other person when he is quite capable of walking on his own. A few people might disagree for everyone needs someone not just to give support but for simple pleasures of life. It’s always fun to share your thoughts and your ideas with someone. But still I fear to get too much attached to someone. I cannot bear the pain of seeing someone go. Maybe I can bear the pain but in order to know that I will have to actually go through it to see whether I am up for it.
But I guess our fears don’t stop what’s going to happen. No matter how much we run, we still end up standing on the corner of the darkest and the most feared moment of our lives.

This was not on my mind when I started off with writing this down. What my main aim was to tell u sometimes our most useless act can become so worthwhile. I was someone who didn’t have much confidence in me. I used to sit in the class and whenever a teacher asked a question, I usually knew the answer but was never sure. I never raised my hand. Never tried to come in the lime light in fear that I might embarrass myself by not knowing what I thought I knew. I never answered a question in fear that it might be wrong. Although I knew the answers to all the questions asked but I was wrong in not standing up for what I knew. And when someone else answered the same question I would repent on not being the one to answer. I regretted everyday for being the one trying to hide behind people so that I don’t become prominent. I was scared to be noticed, thought I wasn’t good enough to be noticed.

I believe everyone has something special in him. Every human being holds something big inside him. I accepted every person as they were and never wanted anyone to change for me or for anyone. But when it came to my own self I always thought im just ordinary person. Its not that I have any complex, I just wanted to think of myself as ordinary.

Well, that was me, till I met someone online. I chatted with him and somehow don’t know how and I am sure he doesn’t know it himself but I got confident because of him. Not totally but still I stand erect and try to stand between others rather than behind them and for me that’s an achievement. I am no longer scared to answer a question even if it’s wrong I still answer. I have noticed one thing, if I answer a question wrong I learn more from it rather than answering it correctly. I remember my mistakes more than anything else.

Every morning, sun shines within me and I feel brighter than ever. I know it’s for a short duration but what matters is today im confident and fear less. What holds tomorrow, ill worry about it then. Phases come and go in our lives. Just like we can’t stop night from coming after every day so it’s useless to hold on to one phase and wish the other not to come. I appreciate what I am going through today because of what I felt like yesterday. I feel the difference because I went through both the phases.

I don’t know if this article serves the purpose for which I wrote it and to be really honest I no longer know the purpose myself or whether this all makes any sense.
Just want to appreciate the person who showed me the other side of myself. not sure if ill be able to utilize what I have just discovered but still its a good feeling to know that something was always there which I thought I never had.

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