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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

My little secret

Category: Issue 10
I want the world to go back to what I never left.

I want sunshine to mean happiness, and rain to mean watching cartoons drinking hot chocolate. That simple. I want to cry without reserve or shame for things that really deserve crying for – falling off my bike, seeing Dumbo’s mom rocking him from her caged wagon, getting lost on my first solo hike in the neighbourhood and being convinced that I’ll never find my way back home.

I want to be insanely happy for the dreams and hopes that my mind doesn’t even think can be crushed. I want to confuse dreaming and reality and wake up convinced that I can fly. I want lazy afternoons spent reading in the field to be just that – with no nagging thoughts of the next day being Monday, preventing me from truly enjoying the last few pages of a mystery that really kept me wondering until the end.

I want to feel proud of THE BEST drawing I ever drew, of the first time I won a gold medal, of being asked to mentor someone else.

I want to be confident in who I am, for whatever I may have to offer. I want to know who I am before needing to anticipate who you are.

And I could still have all those things. I never left them.

They were taken from me.

I am told that the sun only shines on workdays, and that rain makes for a boring weekend. That crying is a sign of weakness in adults, or a way to manipulate. Besides, apparently, cartoons are for kids, and we all know that Dumbo has a happy ending anyway.

I’ve been told that dreams don’t pay the rent and that dreaming of flying out the window will have me committed. All the fields around here are now neighbourhoods – in which getting lost is ‘impossible, what do you mean you got lost 3 streets from the house?’.

My drawings could always be better, or different. It seems now instead of being special and unique and ‘really good for your level’, they are average, so yesterday, not ‘in’ enough. The best one I will ever draw is always almost there, but not quite. There are no more medals to be won, and mentoring is just part of my job description.

But there is one thing they couldn’t have.

One little, simple thing.

The very essence of my happiness here in this life.

I know myself.
And they don’t smile




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Old Comments

  • I liked it quite a bit. I really like the message and don’t let them tell you anything. That’s why I’m an individualist! As far as craft I thought it was good but I think you could have let the prose flow more with symbolism. In music they call it implied notes, you don’t hit a note but play around it and it sounds like you do:

    I want sunshine to mean happiness, rain to mean cartoons and hot chocolate. I want that simple pleasure that you live for and work for that gives you that warm tummy and tingling toesies. I want to cry without reserve or shame if I fall off my bike or see Dumbo’s mom rocking him from her caged wagon, or if I get lost on my first solo hike in the neighborhood and am convinced I’ll never find my way home.

    I want to be insanely happy for dreams and hopes that my mind doesn’t think can be crushed. I want to confuse dreams with reality and wake up convinced that I can fly. I want lazy afternoons spent ho hum reading in sunny fields with no nagging thoughts of the next day being Monday, preventing me from wondering if Agatha Christie would get her man!

    ...but that’s just me. I’m going flying now!

    Posted by deminizer  on  04/03  at  08:56 PM
  • Deminizer, you da best. Great advice, as always! And just like that, I’m flying too smile

    Posted by StarLizard  on  04/03  at  09:14 PM
  • Hello Star.

    I have found, during sojourns of introspection, it helps to remember a soul can fly. In fact, I can confirm, a soul needs to fly free, without notice or permission, without approval or validation, flying solo, alone in flight.

    Also, I have found, it is good medicine to want to stretch one’s wings if only to be free of the fabric of gravity and the weight of thought.

    My advice is to go ahead and launch you soul.  Let it soar. There is no shame in wanting to howl at the moon. Oowwwoooooh!!!

    Although I would never jump out a window in any building or construct, I have indeed jumped out of perfectly good airplanes high in the sky. 

    Seeking exhiloration, I found release.

    As to howling at the moon: On the next full moon, hopefully on a clear cloudless night, get up and get out from under the security of your canopy, lift your head, close your eyes, and let your soul drift free as you listen intently to the   symphony souls make floating across the universe in silence. 

    One cannot resist. When you mind sees unlimited stars flickering across the sky you will begin to feel the primodial need to be free. Know that wonderous feeling within you is your soul readying to take flight.

    Posted by Green Fingered Skinner  on  08/23  at  10:50 PM
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