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Monday, February 16, 2009

National Press Release

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National Press Release   Copyright © 2009 by Green Fingered Skinner WC: 1750

Media Release

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Dr. Porky Pig, PhD.
Professor Emeritus
What’s A Matter U.org

February 16, 2009

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Porky Pig Speaks Out!

(What’s A Matter U.org)

– A former mega star of yesteryear, Porky Pig, has taken to the airwaves, speaking out publicly, in an address containing comments aimed at lobbying members of the 111th U. S. Congress.  The subject concerns the misuse of the term ‘Pork’.

“The overuse of the word ‘Pork’ is distressing…,” Dr. Porky Pig contends.  “…The misuse and abuse of the word is insulting and demeaning to all pigs, regardless of political affiliation or economic status.  I would feel much better about the extent of the unprecedented stimulus package if not for it being frequently referred to with such disassociation, by members of Congress and the media.  We pigs are dismayed with the duplicitous demeanor of our leaders.”

“It is my intention to bring this matter to a public forum and let it see the light of day.” Dr. Pig explained.  “Shamefully, this Congress gives ‘Pork’ a bad name.  It is imperative our elected representatives become aware we are all part of the same hypocrisy.  Shame is a powerful tool.”

“We are all pigs, including the members of Congress.  Evidence millions of us Americans still drive gas guzzling SUV’s, sending endless energy dollars overseas.  Evidence global warming apathy, as we systematically destroy mother Earth.  Evidence our unabashed, unquenchable societal need for double sized, double sweet, doubly over priced, French Vanilla lattes, paid for with customer unfriendly credit cards, issued by greedy banks, whose flexible rates change, to suit their needs. 

“I am ashamed to be a pig,” quipped Professor Porky.

“We paid 535 members of Congress a months pay to formulate a list of ways to waste 800 billion dollars.  They did this without a plan.  I ask you, will we ever again top such stupidity?”

“I hasten to disagree with Senator Schumer’s (D NY) recent appraisal that ‘Americans just do not care.’  To this provocative assertion, I must reply, ‘Senator, it is you and your associates who do not care!  You and they must lead by example.  Otherwise, if you do not, I will move to New York, register to vote, and campaign against you, in the next election.  Need I remind you, there are many pigs registered to vote in upstate New York.”

“Seriously, the answer to America’s financial problems lay hidden within our antiquated tax distribution system,” observes Dr. Pig.  “This 150 year old system is out of balance.” 

“The solution is simple.  We need to revamp the basic philosophy surrounding the politics of money management.  We need to invert the distribution para dyne and pay our larger federal tax obligation to our state of residence, and our smaller tax obligations to the wastrels in Washington.

Certainly, funding for local schools would increase.  Healthcare cost might decline, and financial civility would return to our society, on a grass roots level.  When local officials directly control the quality of life via laws, fees, fines, and sin taxes, there would be no need to ‘Pork the People’.” 

“America is doomed to mediocrity unless we address this core problem,” Dr. Pig predicts.

Dr. Pig Biographical Update

:

Raised up poor, by snout rooting parents, Porky developed a speech impediment.  His stuttering was so noticeable; he quit school at the age of five and found a job.  Porky did not know it then, but his speech patterns were golden. 

As a piglet, young Porky took a job at a local Piggly Wiggly store in Birmingham, Alabama, where, in less than three years, he earned a promotion to company spokesperson.  As luck would have it, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy of Hollywood fame discovered Porky on a caravan through town.  The rest is history.

After Porky moved to the west coast, he worked as a cartoon character for nearly fifty years.  Starring in numerous movies, shorts and features alike, during World War II, Porky became a celebrity.  Later, in the decades of the fifties and sixties, Porky headlined his own show.  As his star ascended, his famed increased, becoming one of the world’s most beloved entertainers.

Enjoying success, living high on the hog, the parties at Porky’s place were legendary.  During these halcyon years, Porky saw no need to save money for his eventual retirement.  Such a thing seemed unnecessary.  Suddenly, one dark day, a heartless committee of bean counting corporate clowns summarily dismissed Porky, insolently and physically ejecting him off the Warner Brothers lot.  His handlers deemed his nude, no pants look, oversold, politically incorrect, and economically unsustainable. 

Unemployed for the first time in half a century, Porky drifted into obscurity, a victim of changing demographics.  With no stocks, bonds, or real estate as a financial cushion, with no cash on hand, or credit at the bank, Porky suffered from his lack of economic planning and foresight.  Like two of The Three Little Pigs, pitiable choices once made came back to haunt poor Porky.  Within a year, senior citizen and American icon, Porky Pig, was homeless and penniless.
Unable to survive on his meager retirement arrangement with Warner Brothers, Inc., and technically ineligible for Social Security, the indomitable Porky Pig realized that unless he did something for himself by himself, to change his financial situation, he was doomed to live and die in an abyss of poverty.  Resolute for betterment, the highly motivated high school dropout obtained his General Equivalency Diploma, and then enrolled in college, at age 65. 

It is here where Porky discovered his true passion in life –public speaking.

With extensive training, a dedicated Porky overcame his linguistic disability to become a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of What’s A Matter U, a little known liberal arts college run by ex-screen stars, Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose.  Upon graduation, Porky enrolled at the prestigious College of Legendary Characters, under a merit scholarship, where he later received his Master of Science certificate in a serious discipline: The Pathophysiology of Laughter.

A recipient of a post graduate fellowship from the ultra exclusive Jimmy Dean School of Business, a tireless Porky took to the skies, traveling the world, working as a humble field hand in China, India, and Africa.  Overcoming diverse obstacles, for nearly ten years, Porky helped fellow pigs achieve a higher standard of living as a member of the Pig Peace Corps. 

In May of 2008, by unanimous proclamation, the Faculty and Board of Regents at Google University awarded an honorary Doctorate of Humanities to Pork Pig, in recognition of a lifetime of achievement in mass communications.  Dr. Pig, age 85, still travels extensively, giving humorous lectures in intimate town hall like settings, and to millions more via cyberspace. 

A full professor at What’s A Matter U.org, and chairperson of the revered Hambone-Bacon Endowment, the path to intellectual enlightenment and financial success did not come easy to the corpulent Porky.  In his new book, ‘Sawseech His Own’, the loquacious Dr. Pig reveals his heretofore-unpublished life story.  An in-depth interview with Charlie Rose on PBS, will air on the first day of next month.  The book is already number one on the New York Times bestseller list.

“Talking to Porky is like talking to an old friend,” offers Charlie Rose.  “Porky is a clever guy!”

“It is with great pleasure that I foist myself upon the public, yet again.” Porky told a staff writer from The New Yorker magazine.  “This time, however, I have something succinct to say!  I am thankful my fellow Americans are giving me a second chance at celebrity, this late in life.  Also, I forgive president Obama for his snarky remarks about lipstick…,” Porky poked.

For years, Porky has denied dalliances with Miss Piggy of Muppets fame despite candid pictures of the tempestuous starlet and the renowned professor at a taboo Hawaiian Luau.

“The rumors are preposterous.  Nothing ever happened.  The vivacious Miss Piggy is young enough to be my granddaughter,” claims a contrite Porky.

The public will get a chance to reacquaint themselves with the life and times of Porky Pig, PhD,  during a morning, afternoon, and evening talk show circuit blitz, culminating in an unprecedented, one star only, dedicated commercial free hour, on The Late Show with David Letterman.

“I grew up watching Porky Pig on TV.  Porky always made me laugh.” –David Letterman.

“Letterman reminds me of my old friend, Bugs Bunny.  He resembles him, only he is human and wears glasses.”

Offers of movie deals, after dinner speaking engagements, and product endorsements, abound.  At this time, Oprah Winfrey is planning to launch her new personal cable channel, OWN, with a two-hour special dedicated to the resurgence of the aged mega star comedian slash scholar.

“If I can make a black man president, I can mold a pig into a God!” –Oprah Winfrey volunteered.

“I trust the world will see the new me as I have come to see myself,” declared professor Pig.

In a laughable aside, Porky hinted he has declined repeated offers to appear on the popular TV program, The View, hosted by Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

“Although those women on that show are stout, they are not true media pigs!” Porky extolled, tongue in cheek.


Witty Blurbs & Wacky Quotes From Alleged Well Wishers

:

“Welcome back, Porky.  We missed ‘ya pal.” –

Mel Brooks

, multimedia humorist

“What’s up, doc?” –

Bugs Bunny

“That pink assed pig is richer than Donald Trump. He makes Billy Joel look destitute.” –P. Diddy

“In hindsight, I wish I considered Porky as a corporate pitchman before I hired that snack chip eating, dollar pilfering, sissified British Gecko,” –Warren Buffet, world’s richest man.

“Porky is my hero,” –Kirsty Ali, famous overweight nobody.

“Quite!  I’m hunting wabbit.” –Lifelong friend, fulltime fool, -Elmer Fudd.

“Raise the roof.  Porky is back!” –Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, front running GOP girl.

“Party on, Porky!  Wahoo…” –Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, ex DNC chairperson.

“There is a consensus Dr. Pig has hit upon a fundamental funny.  I support him in this endeavor.” –Ben Stein, media personality, financial prognosticator, famous slow talking genus.

“Professor Pig reminds me of a missing link: A hairless crossover hybrid between George Bush, Jr., and the late Allen Ginsburg.” –John Stewart, The Daily Show

“Porky Pig is definitely smarter then a horse.” –Ed McMahon, former Tonight Show announcer.

“I take stock in Professor Pig,” –Wasonce Worthmore, Enron stockholder, Bendar-Donedat, TX.

“What can I say about Porky?  I seek his advice often.” –Bill Clinton, impeached former president

“All men are pigs!” –Rosie O’Donald, outspoken sour pus.

XXX

 

 

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