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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Pride, Prejudice and a Fall

Category: Short Story
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  • The intro paragraphs didn’t really hook me.  I thought about suggesting that you just remove them, but no, they’re good - just not hooking good.

    The transition to the short train ride and back distracted me.  Somthing like this:

    “Dame Judi,” I repeated into the phone as I entered from the platform.  Martin was telling me about all the celebrities that he’d seen.  As an opening line…

    would ease it at the beginning, and this:

    However, I had not listened to him, and seeing Arabella’s back at the reception desk reminded me of this.  Quickly, I…

    would ease it at the end.

    Dave.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  12/01  at  05:30 PM
  • Thanks Dave, I did feel a little unsure of how it read and I’m pleased that the one area I was concerned about was the one you picked up on.
    Thanks
    Neil

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  12/01  at  05:33 PM
  • Very good story, though it was a bit too long, jumping hither and nither, especially at the beginning. I had to read it twice.

    But CLEVER as most of your stories are!

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  12/05  at  11:23 AM
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