Sunday, August 07, 2011

Quaddifi Surrenders: Agrees to Celebrity Makeover.

Category: Humor/Satire

State Department, Harpo Studios, and Quaddifi, Close Multi-year Deal.

Ugly Man Signs with Oprah for Televised Makeover

In a move unprecedented in the annals of television talk show history, Oprah Winfrey and Harpo Studios signed a multi-year mega deal with noted terrorist Libyan warlord Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Quaddifi to abdicate power, end his rein of terror, and move to America, in exchange for a lucrative three year contract to repent his sins, repair his humanity, and repackage his appeal, via the miracle of TV. The deal was brokered by former president Bill Clinton.

“There are angels at work here…” Oprah exclaimed her delight in typical flamboyant style. “This is good news. Right here on my network, the transformation of the hideous Muammar Muhammad al-Quaddifi -dictator, despot, A N D despicable D E V I L…”

Insiders say the personal services contract package includes provisions for housing, meals, and a weekly million dollar stipend for security. In the guaranteed contract, Colonel Quaddifi agrees to appear once a week, on Thursdays, for three full seasons, as the one and only featured celebrity guest patient submitting to a two hour televised session of personality analysis, pointed criticism, professional advice, and public counsel, from the learned Dr. Phil. In addition, the fine print includes perks like a complete wardrobe makeover, two annual week long trips to the Spa at The Carlton Club at The Ritz-Carlton Chicago, 1,000 pairs of designer shoes by Delorio, and a made for TV miniseries -including a fully funded pilot plus an order for 26 follow up episodes with the working title, “A Mad Man Named Muammar”.

Sources close to the negotiations said the film will be a biographical soap opera written by Quaddifi, starring the former Colonel playing himself. The show is tentatively scheduled to air midnights, M-F on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) starting early next year, pending written script approval by U. S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, electronic surveillance by the NSA (National Security Agency), observation by the DOD (Department of Defense), and daily delivery monitoring by the U.S. Postal Inspection Service (USPIS).

By far the biggest item in the deal is the controversial live in prime time 2012 Father’s Day Face Transplant Extravaganza, featuring cutting edge surgery performed by Dr. Oz, another Oprah protégé. The actual face transplant donor will be selected via a live national call in poll conducted by Ms. Winfrey during this year’s Super bowl halftime show.

“I, my staff, and my friend Gayle have accomplished more in one week than the entire world of men has accomplished in forty years,” observed Oprah. “This proves women with money can do anything men with money can do, only better.”

“Woof, woof, woof, WOMAN POWER!”

“The deal maker was the face transplant surgery,” Gayle King later confided to her long time companion and friend. “Let’s face it. The guy is seriously ugly. He just does not look good on camera. He is vain, crude, and rude. He is murderously ill-tempered. His soul is rotten to the core. And I am told his breath smells like camel dung. If ever a man needed a makeover from sole to soul, he is it. He needs a lot of help. It made good business sense to close the deal before NATO Forces make him an offer he cannot refuse.”

“I was stumped on how to close this deal,” Oprah admitted. ”The guy is worth billions. I mean, what does a woman offer a man who has everything? Fortunately, my pal Gayle had the answer. She said, “Feed his vanity, girl. Stroke his massive ego. Play with his head. Lie to him. Tell him he is ‘The One’. Do unto him, like I do unto you…”

“…The Colonel lacks sex appeal.” the queen of TV volunteered over a glass of celebratory wine. “I’m sure he would benefit from a Rachel Ray diet. No more roast lamb with mint jelly and asparagus super suppers. No more late night snacks of goat jerky and blueberry flavored humus for this African fat man. Gayle, make sure to burn those tacky third world drapes he wears and replace them with custom tailored Armani. Let’s see… maybe a smooth close shave and a buzz cut, topped with a cool Cubs baseball cap. Do we dare let him go shirtless and sexy, dressed in blue jeans and sun glasses, like my man, Denzel? Or should he ‘Go Native’ -au natural, like Samuel L. Jackson? Maybe, I can morph him into a sexy heart throb ala Omar Sharif.”

“SueEEY… Making a murderous Middle Eastern monster into a renaissance man is much harder than making an unknown big city minority community advisor turned wimpy U.S. Senator into a infamous failed one term president.”

“Gayle, call Julia Roberts back. Tell her Oprah says, ‘She can direct only if she co-stars with this fat-assed bad-boy’…”

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