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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Words of Heartbreak

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Rain falls on the white snow as I breathe
out minutes of my life in a cloud of gray smoke.

Thoughts of hope, betrayal, unsuccessful love,
and selfishness preoccupy my mind
I cannot do this, love is not for me
and the person that I think I am should be able to.

With words, I show myself a love
but in other ways, no.

I want you, I feel like I need you, but I have been told I’m wrong
I don’t know what to do with myself.

I want to live, at least with happiness and hope in my life
but I destroy every piece of that with my character
I need change, but only for the better.

Clich├ęs like “I love you” and
“you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else,”
mix with my bruised soul and drained heart.

“I loved you,” well I love you.

I want to take away the stress that you feel
and the deep suspicions you have of me.

Let me love you and try to find the ways to show you
I care about you more than any other person in this world.

I don’t want a “next boyfriend” and I don’t
want to have to find out how to love again
I don’t want pills of emotionally-altering dependents
that have suffocated me for so long.

You make my heart race faster than any stimulant
make me stumble on simple words more than any amount of alcohol
and you make me consider changing myself
more than any person or quote of inspiration I’ve ever read has done.

I love you and this is not out of manipulation or selfishness
“Love is a sacrifice” but to sacrifice you…
would be to sacrifice who I’ve become and began to love.

You made me believe that maybe there is
a part of me that is good and not lost in this crazy world
that I’ve created partly out of boredom and influence.

I can’t make something work that is not meant to be
and I can’t always fix something that is already broken
but my heart hurts more than any pain I’ve ever felt before.

You’ve changed and I have changed and I am thankful
I don’t just appreciate your love; I want to send it back in return.

Now that it is over, I don’t know what to do
now I know that my negatives have ruined something
that was probably one of the best things to happen to me
but the pain I expected to come of it
was deeper than I could’ve imagined.

I fucked up, I know, and I’m sorry
you’ve messed up too but you walk away.

I want to give up but I don’t know how
I want to believe that I am a good person
I want to feel pure like the snow surrounding me
I want to know that I am capable of jumping
into the ocean of life’s overall purpose.

I want to not just know that I can be, but I want to feel
that I am worthy of loving and being loved in return.

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