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Thursday, April 07, 2011

Dear God… erm, uhm, I mean Mr. President…. Please help me, I have Americanism…

It is my understanding that as of tomorrow, if all you panderers and thieves…. I mean, politicians, sorry, I’m afflicted with a severe case of Americanism. I occasionally blurt out free thoughts. They’re ugly, I know. They’re unmolested by blurbs and spin and unfulfilled promises (like the first thing I"ll do when I get into office to usher in change is shut down Gitmo… except really in politico speak that means 2 years after I actually get into office, not only will Gitmo be open, it’ll be holding war tribunals. Oh, and I promise peace, though we have to amp up efforts in Afghanistan and invade Libya because they’re ruled by despots who don’t listen to their own people. But we’ll have forced health care here, damn it, whether you folks like it or not!)...

So anyway, I have a severe case of Americanism. It’s like Tourette’s syndrome for the soul. I accidentally say what I really think without being able to control it (politicians have ruined this country since Woodrow Wilson whored the government out to the central banking system. We’re still paying the bill for that seedy tryst. I hate to think about the bill that my kids will pay for all of the special interest lobbyists that this president is in bed with)....

Ahem, so you’ll forgive me for my outbursts, Mr. Panderer in Chief, because I am afflicted with an unfair, debilitating social pariah. I say what I think and not what I’m told by the government to think. In fact, that gives most of the rest of the Nation an unfair advantage. I think I might need some rules changed to level the playing field so I can maintain my competitive edge. I write for a living. Saying what I think today can be flat out dangerous. Ask the Wiki Leaks people. I think I might need a bailout too, but we’ll get to that later. Maybe over drinks in the Bahamas, as you tour the Island Nation so we can improve our salt, rum, aragonite, and steel pipe trade with an important tropical partner, all while you reluctantly blast Burkina Faso back into the Middle Ages for their own good. We can pick World Series favorites and potential MVP’s on ESPN as the bombs drop on the capital of Ouagadougou. I hear there’s gold in them thar’ hills, and we must protect our interests. Oh, and the innocent people that stand between us and those interests. I’m taking Cecil Fielder and the Brewers over the Rangers in 6, BTW.

Right, but less about me and more about my plight, as you folks on the Hill might say. It is my understanding that as of tomorrow, if all of you politicians don’t agree how to spend the money you took from us in taxes to pay decades old bills and deficits, to be paid with new bills that our kids grandchildren will be paying off in 60 years, the government will shut down. So to the point, here’s my question(s):

*How will we survive our day to day existence? Will it be like a Supernova? Will the sun stop providing us with warm light and will we all whither in the cold bleak darkness?

*Will you stop collecting government fees while you shut down?

*How will I know when to go pee?

*Will China and Opec come knocking on the door to rough us up in a week or so because we don’t pay them their Vig?

*How will the Presidential dog, Bo, survive a government shut down? Is he cool with this? If the First family has to tighten belts during a lengthy shutdown, extra Kobe beef and foie gras is likely the first thing to go, right? I can’t imagine Presidential Chef Sam Kass will work for free, though he will have more time on his hands now that he doesn’t help form national nutritional policy, though he has never been elected to anything by the American people.

*Since you’re not cutting checks or paying any bills with our tax money while you shut down, do we still have to pay taxes until you crank up the machine again? Seems silly for us to pay our bill to you so you can pay our bills for us when you won’t be paying them anyway. Scratch that, you don’t really pay our bills for us. Silly me. That’s why we have a thirteen trillion dollar deficit.

*Can I use Camp David? With a government shutdown, there will be no staff there right? Seems a shame to leave the place alone and empty. I won’t have too many friends over and I’ll clean up my beer cans when I’m done.

So, in closing, I guess my Americanism and fear of the unknown have me a bit disturbed. I think the terms of my future bailout might need to be re-negotiated for mental damages. Without you here to rule my every move and to tell me how to spend the money I earn and what I can and cannot do, I’m not sure what will happen? I don’t know if I’ll be able to work, buy gas, or purchase food. Am I allowed to pick vegetables from my garden? Am I even capable of growing vegetables without you on the hill? Will my credit cards work? Will my bank seize? Will there be looting and rioting?

On the other hand, if you guys close shop and nothing changes except you stop getting paid (and many people who depend on you for far too much stop getting paid and realize that you do them more harm than good and perhaps we push for real CHANGE), then maybe the world will be better for it.

Hmmm…. Let’s see, you guys are arguing over less than 1% I hear, about 30 billion dollars, a mere drop in your endless bucket. The average congressman and senator makes $177K a year, and there are 535 of them. You make $400K a year, the VP makes 227K a year (that’s a lot for doing nothing but but smiling and clapping at your speeches). Then there’s the cabinet and all that staff. Here’s a breakdown: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_much_does_the_vice_president_of_the_United_States_make_per_year

Anyway, if you guys shut down, that’s like a quarter of a billion dollars a year we’ll save on the budget. Perhaps you don’t have to argue over what subsidies and entitlements need to be cut. Perhaps we’ll find we really don’t need you in the form that you exist now, as power hungry, soul sucking, pandering vampires. Maybe, just maybe, the solution is FOR the government to shut down.

Here’s an idea. If we save a quarter billion a year with you guys not bickering, arguing, pandering, and disagreeing to the point of constant gridlock that gets nothing positive done, why don’t you shut down for say… 120 years. There’s your 30 billion.

Problem solved.

Now, about that personal bailout….