Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Dewey Kincaid

Category: Issue 13

Dewey Kincaid   © Copyright 2008 by: Arthur F. Wiseman                                     WC: 345              

A top official of the Racine County Catnappers Society, a public service organization dedicated to righting community wrongs, resigned in disgrace after taking drugs in an effort to stay awake during last month’s community fundraising drive.

Televised locally, the annual fundraiser is traditionally a springtime event. 

Designed as a marathon contest of endurance, this year, a national mattress company co-sponsored the event, pledging up to $ 5,000.00 in matching funds.  The object of the contest was to see who could stand on their feet the longest, without falling asleep. Successful in everyway, over $ 10,000.00 in charitable contributions came from the community.  Along with a shiny trophy, the winner enjoys yearlong bragging rights and a complimentary steak dinner for two at the Steak Palace.

A problem arose after the disgruntled runner-up, Mrs. Clara Kelly, claimed the eventual winner, Dewey Kincaid, sneakily and stealthily ingested a handful of little red pills during what he thought was an off air commercial break. 

When asked if he in fact did take over-the-counter No Doze during the contest, in violation of the rules, Dewey Kincaid claimed the pills were actually red M&M’s, and that Clara Kelly was mistaken.

Convinced Dewey Kincaid was lying; Mrs. Kelly pride fully slow motioned, zoomed in on, and froze a copy of the telecast on her digital video recorder, enthusiastically gathering incontrovertible proof of the winners guilt which she then proudly posted on the internet, adding in big bold type, the rubric “Dewey Kincaid is a Liar and a Cheat!” 

Two days later, the same local television station reported about the allegations on TV.  Publicly humiliated, Dewey Kincaid forged embarrassing explanations with growing contempt.

That next night, after the 11 PM news report featured an unfavorable detailed report on the situation, Dewey Kincaid collected his shotgun, walked over to the loser Clara Kelly’s house, shot and killed her, and then shot and killed the award winning Dewy Kincaid.

Clara Kelly, 78, was 56-year-old Dewey Kincaid’s only living relative, and his mother.  Obviously, Dewey Kincaid had problems beyond his fondness for red M&M’s.