Thursday, January 27, 2011

Email from Hell

Category: Humor/Satire

E-mail from the pitch black depths of hell…

I’m supposed to be working on online research or something. Not really sure because, uhm, I was not paying attention during the meeting. I was thinking about extremely important things like how milk becomes yogurt. Or how to get to level 4 of Tomb Raider, still not sure about that one. Maybe Lara Croft turned milk into yogurt to kill that stupid shark. She could do everything else, why not. She could do everything with that twisting body and James Bond like mind except get past that stupid shark and get me out of Egypt and onto level 4. Oh well, there was another sales meeting coming up in a few hours, maybe I could figure it out then.

Right, back to the job at hand. Work, work, work. So I’m supposed to be doing something that I have no clue about but I’m not going to worry about figuring it out, I’m going to hide in my cubicle and pretend to be doing what I’m supposed to be doing and surf the web for awhile. So I check out the big ol’ inbox, get the low down from all the Internet peeps, and it’s the same old stuff, family and bills and friends with jokes and
plans, bulk junk and sweepstakes and conman spam.

I’m about to delete the whole lot when one email catches my eye:

Sorry I’m late getting back to you
In regards to all of your dreams Don,
I know you want the Ravens to win the SuperBowl,

(He was right but I’m from Baltimore, how hard would that be to figure out)

I know you want your three kids, Beth, Ashley and Ray to take more initiative.

(I guess it’s easy enough to find my kids name)

I know you want a raise in your base salary from $40k to $45k like Howie because you sell as much as him and it’s not fair that he’s been here longer than you.

(Now I’m looking around the room to see who is messing with me but everyone appears oblivious, dumb asses are actually working)

I know you want your grandmother Louise to regain her eyesight.

(Hair rising on back of neck now)

I know you want to punch your obnoxious neighbor Al in the face but you’re a re-born pacifist and you feel guilty about it. I know you wish you could go back in time and do it all over again, you’d do things differently. That pro wrestling thing was quite a mistake wasn’t it? I know you want a new car but it only misfires because you use the wrong oil and I know you feel guilty about seeing your best friend Dennis’ ex girlfriend two days after they broke up back in high school but you were a teenager so let it go.

(I slink down in my cubicle trying to hide from whatever demon this is that is obviously about to summons me to hell and read the rest with a drying throat and a tightening sphincter).

But if you’re ready to get all the things you want from life,
Click on the link and come see me.

One soul buys a lifetime of riches.



And so I click the link to find the dreams, because after all, cubicle work is my life, so my soul can only be worth so much. Might as well get what I can while I can. How much worse can cell be than working in an office, paying taxes.

And this evil demon pops up and says:

“We can save u money on car insurance…”