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Saturday, December 06, 2008

Good-Bye George             Copyright by: Arthur F. Wiseman

Green Fingered Skinner
123 Appleton Way
King of Prussia, PA., 19406

Mr. George Bush, President of the United States of America.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500
January 19, 2009

Dear George:

I feel compelled to write this letter upon your retirement.  While I am sure, you and Laura are anxious to leave the limelight of Washington, D.C., and return home to complete obscurity back in Texas, after eight long years as our beloved president, I for one am sad to see the era of your leadership has ended. 

Some of us will miss you, unlike your predecessor, the irrepressible William J. Clinton, errant husband to the new Secretary of State.  Indeed, some of us have dreamed of this historic moment, every day for what seems like a lifetime.  I realize a number of die-hard Republicans may even be at a loss for words, on this occasion, just as you were during your entire term of office.  From my personal point of view, it makes me unhappy to realize the ancient proverb, “And this too will pass…” is lastly upon us.

How does one sing praise of your many accomplishments?  Where does one begin? 

As any student of American history understands, past presidents, with the possible exception of Ulysses S. Grant, never go hungry.  In fact, most ex-presidents make a good living raking in millions in speaking engagement fees, or writing books.  Your dad did exactly this, very successfully, although he once threw up all over an oriental dignitary.  However, since public speaking was never your strong point, I worry about you, George.

Do not despair.  Change is conducive to good.  I am glad to offer my assistance in your post presidential employment dilemma. 

During a recent trip through Texas, while refueling and relaxing at a country store rest stop, I took the liberty of filling out an employment application in your name at the Crawford, Texas, Family Style Convenience Store.  I trust this little act of kindness helps your financial situation.  I feel it is the least I can do, for a man of your stature. 

I know presidents never carry cash on their person, by order of the Secret Service.  It seems ironical the man in charge of the United States Treasury, has literally not touched any coin of the realm since his cronies stole the election, way back in 2000. Therefore, here is what every cashier trainee must know, in a nutshell: Pennies are the dirty brown thingies, and dollars are the green pieces of paper with big numbers on them.  Remember to ‘count up’ when making change.  It is that easy.

Once again, thank you for your service to our country.  If you ever find yourself without a friend to hang with, please feel free to visit my crib.  Do not be shy.  Stop by anytime, for a cold beer or two.  Maybe I will tattoo something on your forearm, fee free.
 
On this momentous occasion, please accept the three books I enclosed with this letter.
1:  For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway.
2:  Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
3:  How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

I personally selected these books as a gift for your Presidential library.  My wife added the window squeegee as a joke.  Perhaps with all the extra time on your hands, Laura will read one to you, while you clean the windows at the Bush family ranch.

Sincerely,
G. F. S.
Green Fingered Skinner

Post Script:  Please make sure to take everything you own with you, upon leaving town, as we cannot trust the new tenant to be as honest as you were with us. Also, please make sure to inform ex-Vice President Cheney that his extended lease on the Naval Observatory has expired, and that he must vacate the premises by 11 am, tomorrow morning, January 20, 2009.  If the ex-vice president is asleep when you go to check on him, do not startle him. Simply use the paddles attached to the machine next to the bed to wake him, just as his personal valet does, every morning.  However, be careful.  Take care.  Wear a bulletproof helmet.  Rumor has it that Dick keeps a loaded shotgun nearby and at the ready.