Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How To Hide Your Mess Quickly When You’re Being Invaded By Unexpected Company

Category: Humor/Satire

There’s nothing more annoying than uninvited, unexpected company. Seriously, some people have no manners, dropping by to “chat” with you and “visit on a few moments notice, when you both really know that they are really dropping by to inspect how you live when left to your own devices. Face it, most friends want to think they’re better than you, and nothing makes them feel better about their own squalor or pile of dirty dishes than finding that YOU live in a pig sty. It’s easier to inspect your mess and feel better about themselves than it is to clean their own house, isn’t it? Plus, it gives them fuel to talk about you amongst other friends.

“My, my, did you see Miriam’s house? I dropped by the other day and… “

“Wow, Miriam had a stack of dishes in the sink that rival the Washington Monument in size… “

“I think I found Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart in the corner of Miriam’s living room but I can’t be sure because I couldn’t quite scale the peak of the growing cheese mold that ate the sofa to get visual verification. Plus, that mold was making some funky, scary sounds… “

You know how it goes, typical things like that. Well, I’m here to give you a few tips to quickly spruce your home up on a moment’s notice to thwart these evil, gossiping, nosy invaders. The next time the phone rings and the chills march up your spine when you hear the words “... be right over, I’m just around the corner,” remember these tips, they might save you some embarrassment.

1.Pillow cases hold more than just pillows: Stuff dirty laundry in those cases, stuff old junk mail in them, even a dirty pet if you don’t have time to give it a bath, just make sure you fluff it up so it looks like a pillow when you are done.

2.Keep a dirty dish drawer: That’s right, an empty drawer just to shove dirty dishes in for when people invade and the dishwasher is full. Make sure it’s an out-of-the-way drawer, and empty that sucker as soon as the spies leave, or you might have some lingering smells to deal with next time.

3.Forget Lysol, use glass cleaner and furniture polish: EVERYBODY tries to hide the smell when someone visits by using air fresheners, under-arm deodorant sprays and perfume. That’s a dead giveaway that you just quick cleaned your home and are trying to hide something. Forget that, spray window cleaner, furniture polish and oven cleaner around the house, that way you can tell the intruders you were busy cleaning the house when they called and blindsided you.

4.Keep large throw rugs and comforters on hand. If you have a big enough comforter, you can cover the entire dining room table with it, or the dining room for that matter. A good throw rug or cover makes anything decorative.

5.Either buy a huge dog or a RECORDING of a ticked off rottweiler: This way, when you close a room off because it’s beyond hope, your nosy visitor won’t be tempted to open the door and check when you’re getting refreshments, not if they think Fido is ready to attack on the other side of the door. If you use the recording, crank it up full blast. Make sure to make a point to tell your invader that Fido is locked up because he hates visitors and hasn’t had his rabies shots yet for added effect.

6.If the beds are unmade don’t bother smoothing out the sheets, just spread the comforter so they think it’s a water-bed.

7 A great place for hiding things is under the bed, providing there is a dust ruffle.

8.When it comes to the bathroom, don’t worry about the dirty tub, just pull open the shower curtain. For the toilet bowl, just throw in some hand soap and swish around with the brush. Make sure you wipe the seat, and sink. Remove the dirty towels and have a roll of paper towels handy. Move the clutter from the counter and throw everything into the cabinet under the sink.

9.What about the dust? Easy, just blow it away.

10.Hide the empty pizza boxes from the week under the sofa.

11.What you can’t hide. Throw it into one of the rooms that has a lock and lock it.

12. As for the chair that is loaded with dog or cat hair, just throw an afghan over it and drape it in a decorative way.

13.For the stained end tables, use your place mats to hide most of it.

14.Last but most important dim the lights, which hides a multitude of sins.

Whew! Now wasn’t that easy?

There you go. These 14 tips should help you protect your right to privacy and to personal sloth the next time you get an unexpected guest!


Posted by 12mimi22 on 02/27 at 07:21 PM | Permalink
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