Monday, January 18, 2010

Missing Explorer Found Alive!

Category: Issue 21

Dateline: South Pole Exploration Station     January 18, 2010   12:01 PM EST                                      

An explorer missing for over two decades has been found alive, only a short distance from the International Amundsen-Scott Scientific Station, at the South Pole.  Doctors report Oslo Allotrope is alive and in perfect health.

The Norwegian scientist came up missing early on the morning of January 18, 1990 when, after breakfast, the then twenty-six year old Ensign inadvertently left the mess hall via the wrong doorway and disappeared into the vast whiteness, remaining lost until a United States Geographical Service research team discovered him, exactly twenty years later, to the day.

Upon arrival back at the station, the former Naval Ensign received automatic promotion to the exalted rank of Captain, in recognition of his years of service, and for his obvious individual heroism.  At an impromptu awards ceremony, held via satellite, Captain Allotrope received a dozen medals for meritorious service to King and Country.

Attending Nurse Laura Johnson observed:

“This is a strange situation.  Medically, Captain Allotrope is in top flight condition.  He looks and acts like a handsome younger man of twenty-five and not like a distinguished older man of forty-six, which he actually is.  He appears strong, spry, and sharp of mind, with a well-maintained muscular build and a toothy outdoorsy smile.  I am truly amazed he survived all that time without water, food, shelter, fuel, or female companionship.  He is a wonder to all of us.  His survival must be an act of God!”

Dr. Klaus Oberlmeyer, chief physician and public affairs officer at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Scientific Ice Station had this to report:

      “Upon examination, the patient is in remarkable health considering the prolonged exposure trauma he has endured.  His survival is remarkable, if not miraculous.  In an environment where skin freezes in only minutes, here is a man who has endured the harshest climate on earth for two decades.  I suspect a Russian covert operation is behind this, or perhaps it has something to do with the wondrous benefits derived from Omega 3 fish oils.  At this time, I am not exactly sure how he survived all this time in the wild.”

Dr. Oberlmeyer then added:

“Preliminary tests prove his memory is perfectly fine.  Oddly, he very much resembles his original ID photo, which we still have on file here.  However, for some as of yet unknown reason, this magnificent human specimen walks in small circles, resembling the habits of a Penguin nesting in sub zero weather.  Since there are no Penguins in close proximity, we must study this odd acquired behavior, in the very near future.”

Interviews by world class anthropologists, sociologists, and other medical personal, including a team of military survival experts from the United States, will take place before the patient returns home to Norway and a planned hero’s welcome.

The discovery of the missing explorer has sparked intense interest worldwide.  As expected, this extraordinary story, with its accompanying images, has been disseminated via varied social sites on the internet. 

On a side note, informed industry insiders report media giant HBO has already purchased the rights to this story and immediately signed mega star Brad Pitt to an exclusive made for TV movie deal.  Furthermore, HBO announced it would not film the movie on location at the South Pole, due to the harshness of the climate.  Instead, in a separate financial arrangement, the enterprising business minded Angelina Jolie has contracted to convert the clandestine Pitt family ranch into an ice-covered continent, ideal for filming the movie.  Mrs. Pitt has also agreed to personally prepare all meals for her kids, the three man camera crew, and the one-man cast. 

“This is fantastic!  Everybody loves Penguins!” exclaimed Ms. Jolie.  “They are so cute!  Brad and I have already adopted a few hundred as pets into our ever-growing family.”

Story Filed on location by Green Fingered Skinner