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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

My little secret

Category: Issue 10
I want the world to go back to what I never left.

I want sunshine to mean happiness, and rain to mean watching cartoons drinking hot chocolate. That simple. I want to cry without reserve or shame for things that really deserve crying for – falling off my bike, seeing Dumbo’s mom rocking him from her caged wagon, getting lost on my first solo hike in the neighbourhood and being convinced that I’ll never find my way back home.

I want to be insanely happy for the dreams and hopes that my mind doesn’t even think can be crushed. I want to confuse dreaming and reality and wake up convinced that I can fly. I want lazy afternoons spent reading in the field to be just that – with no nagging thoughts of the next day being Monday, preventing me from truly enjoying the last few pages of a mystery that really kept me wondering until the end.

I want to feel proud of THE BEST drawing I ever drew, of the first time I won a gold medal, of being asked to mentor someone else.

I want to be confident in who I am, for whatever I may have to offer. I want to know who I am before needing to anticipate who you are.

And I could still have all those things. I never left them.

They were taken from me.

I am told that the sun only shines on workdays, and that rain makes for a boring weekend. That crying is a sign of weakness in adults, or a way to manipulate. Besides, apparently, cartoons are for kids, and we all know that Dumbo has a happy ending anyway.

I’ve been told that dreams don’t pay the rent and that dreaming of flying out the window will have me committed. All the fields around here are now neighbourhoods – in which getting lost is ‘impossible, what do you mean you got lost 3 streets from the house?’.

My drawings could always be better, or different. It seems now instead of being special and unique and ‘really good for your level’, they are average, so yesterday, not ‘in’ enough. The best one I will ever draw is always almost there, but not quite. There are no more medals to be won, and mentoring is just part of my job description.

But there is one thing they couldn’t have.

One little, simple thing.

The very essence of my happiness here in this life.

I know myself.
And they don’t