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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Reward Notice   Copyright © 2008 by: Green Fingered Skinner

Reward

I hereby and herein offer a reward payable to anyone for the safe return of my husband of thirty years, Carl Robert Frederick, chairperson of the Department of English, Punxinkle Cove College of the Humanities, Punxinkle Cove, Delaware. 

Carl, you old fool, where are you hiding this time?

Last seen late last Friday night at the Hoist A Few Pub on Main Street in downtown Farmington, Delaware, eyewitnesses claim Professor Frederick appeared to be having a goodtime playing drinking games, with a group of zany freshman co-eds. 

The elderly reprobate has done this before.  The most recent episode of old age overload came on suddenly, after his former editor, Ms. Emily Clack, of Domsdorft Distleburg & Company, rejected his latest manuscript, saying “ …It stinks!...”  Suffering untold unkind unwanted directness, Karl stormed out of the house, headed towards the only bar in town.

It is with great concern for his well-being that I offer up as a reward, a one of a kind literary treasure; a gold embossed set of World Book encyclopedias, 1978 Edition.  The set is missing volume 13, representing the letter M.  Readily shippable postage prepaid to anywhere, even China, the reward is payable to the first person who accurately reports the location of my missing husband to me, his much worried wife. 
 
If you have any information concerning the whereabouts of the toothless, pot bellied, balding, four eyed, Viagra popping, sleepwalking, always gaseous, feeble-minded, butt headed, renowned professor of literature, please contact Mrs. Francine Frederick toll free at XXX-XXX-XXXX.  The number has been purposely redacted to prevent a repeat of the barrage of excessive crank calls I received the last time my husband disappeared.

Seriously, if anyone knows where my husband Karl is, please send him home to me.  Only I beg you, please do not leave him tied to the tree on the front lawn again this time, as I did not notice him for a week, until I raked the leaves off the lawn, the following Saturday morning.

Thanking you in advance for your kindness,
Mrs. Francine Frederick

FYI Carl: The dog died.  You left your lower denture plate on the kitchen table again, only this time; Muttsy swallowed it whole and choked to death. Come home soon, Carl.