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Saturday, March 16, 2013

Shingles Rash and Ernie’s Bash

Skeptic Ernie isn’t feeling well. He surely needs to find something to soothe his anxiety about getting sick. Is it his shingles? It was years ago when he was whacked by a zoster attack – the teeny-tiny thingy causing it long forgotten now; but this ad in a mag which I hear sells like hot sh…, ahem, like hot cakes, I mean. Well this ad says, “… now’s the time to prevent shingles with…” and then the name of some vaccine, followed by the word “live” in parentheses. Anything bracketed is worth noting; so this “live” word is kind of making me read more.

Hmmm… so they are saying anybody getting older has an “increased risk” of getting shingles. Like every other risk, right? Oh wait, the next line with dozens of “s” words is saying this “single shot” shingles vaccine cannot treat shingles or the pain associated with it. So the ad probably means the shot can reduce chances of getting zoster but not prevent it. Sounds a bit shaky, but let’s read on.

This vaccine is used for adults age 50 or older to prevent shingles. Now that means I better read it after 15 years, right? Well, I sure can condescend and keep reading as there is nothing better to do at the moment.

Aha! Here’s the million-dollar line: “[the weird vaccine name] does not protect everyone, so some people who get the vaccine may still get shingles.” Am I smiling, or am I smirking??? But again, the important thing is to read on, cz you never know what wonders await you in this War and Peace length ad.

So now to the side effects part. These include: “redness, pain, itching, swelling, hard lump, or bruising at the injection site, as well as headache.” Though “death” is not included in the side effects, how many of you really want to live after suffering the above listed horrors? One second… there are more on the next page (yes, there is a next page) under “additional side effects”: “allergic reactions which may be serious and may include difficulty in breathing and swallowing. If you have an allergic reaction, call your doctor right away.”
Whether or not you have difficulty breathing or swallowing after that shingles shot, the next possible side effect may already render your throat dry and rough. It is: chicken pox. I’m… uh… this feeling… oh, let’s read on…“fever, hives at the injection site, joint pain, muscle pain, nausea, rash, rash at the injection site, swollen glands near the injection site, lasting a few days to a few weeks.” And then the ad tells to contact your health care provider to give you a complete list. Now I am damn sure that “death” will be in that complete list, though having those listed already are alone enough to kill you anyway.

The best thing about this shingles shot – of course, it’s that you haven’t taken it already; and if you have taken it and still reading these words, congrats, you just beat death in its worst form. You macho!