Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Justificator Live on Larry King

Category: Humor Winners, Issue 2

The times they are a changin’ friends. You can’t count on anything anymore. Remember back when Superheros were role models? Well check this shit out. I was at home last night, eatin’ a Hot Pocket and flippin’ channels, when I stopped at CNN and saw it: The Justificator…except he wasn’t wearing his tights or cape; he was wearing a suit like he was going to a funeral or somethin. He was sitting in with Larry King, and get this: the fucker was crying! Superheros don’t cry! C’mon.
So I get sucked in and watch a little more. I mean, how often do you see superheros doin’ a segment on Larry King? Every once in a while, but not much. I wonder to myself, what the fuck has this guy got to be cryin’ about anyway. This is the same guy that plucked that school bus right off the bridge before it collapsed last month. The same guy that kicked Captain Sinister’s ass while we all watched on live TV. Remember that? They duked it out right in the middle of Central park. Anyway, my point is, besides this guys mother dyin’- what’s so fucking bad that he’s spillin’ tears over it, y’know? (Besides we all know his mother died back on planet Tarlgon when it exploded.)
That’s when I see the graphic at the bottom of the screen and almost shit myself.

THIS guy is a homo? No fuckin’ way, I refused to believe it at first. I was in shock. And then Larry King chimes in-
“How do you anticipate the world will respond to this?”
And he says “Larry. Just because I choose to sleep with a man, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do my job. Being a homosexual…In no way, hinders my ability to fight crime, I want that clear.”
And he’s still crying like a little girl with a skinned knee for Christ’s sake.
“What’s your motivation in making this known to the world?” Larry asked him.
“I want the world to know that behind this mask..there is a very real,sensitive, and loving person. And I’m coming out of the closet because I can’t live my life in secrecy anymore.
“But you wear a mask.” Larry says.
“Well yes, because I’m protecting my secret identity Larry. But the only mask I want to talk about tonight is the mask that millions of gay men and women are wearing. The mask of normalcy. I’m coming out because I say it’s time to take off that mask, and be proud of who we are.”
I could only imagine what the super villains were sayin. I bet they were laughin their friggin asses off.
Anyway, American Idol was about to come on, so I changed the channel.