Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Tax Man Bites Back

Category: Humor Winners, Issue 2

This letter from the Inland Revenue was in The Guardian 27/9/03

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply
to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging
letter”. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”.
This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of
traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on
on the doormat” has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the
other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their
being from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and “pissant
gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to the
toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of
these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a “sodding
charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth
in your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a moment’s
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned party”
yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of
the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off
the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish
lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far more than you have accounted
for is allocated to, for example, “that box-ticking facade of a university

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don’t simply write “Muggins” on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give” has never been considered as a practice because even
if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out
that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live
in India” you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee Customer Relations


Posted by aardvark on 02/12 at 08:19 PM | Permalink
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