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Friday, March 01, 2013

Wondering Where It Went Wrong

Those of us lucky to find love most often suffer at love. For every joy there is a sorrow, and for every breathless moment, there are a hundred moments of dread. ‘Do I look good enough? Is he thinking about me? Why does he treat me like this? Will I ever feel like that again.

Most often, pain goes as it comes, to be replaced by another joy, new experiences, new friends and lovers. But in that moment of grief it feels like the pain will never end. It feels like the world has stopped and all joy has been destroyed, and all you can do is wonder what would have happened if, and what will happen in the future.

I lie awake nights
Hands curled in sheets
Exhausted and drained,
Wondering… where it went wrong
Drenched in sweat, I shudder, cold
Thoughts imprison my mind

As a shroud they bury me
Squeezing the air from my lungs
Suffocating, unable even to scream.
I am alone, completely alone.
There is no one to quiet my fears
There are no kind words…

My pale skin no longer bears
Witness to all the abuse.
Tears flow, my mind is overshadowed
By visions of a face consumed with rage,
Poisonous harsh words ring in my ears
Deeply distraught, I feel the despair.

My mind, a cauldron of hate, boils.
Vengeance would taste good, hot or cold.
What did I do that was so wrong?
I seek refuge under a mound of covers
hoping for sleep to abduct me,
Yet blessed sleep eludes me…

The night in remembrance
Remains a vivid memory,
But not what he was like before that moment.
When it comes to love, I shall never learn,
I keep making the same mistake
Over and over, again and again…
I’m wondering why in love I cannot win?

Enough, though, I have suffered enough
I have spent too much time wondering
Will wondering change history?
It is what it is
As it always will be.
I refuse to suffer anymore.