It hurts having to read this rejection letter. While I go conform with the “fire-arms ban”, I would suggest rounding up the 10 to 14 year old members of the “stone throwing gang” of which every town and village in the world has at least one. One afternoon spent on tuition and the gathering of projectiles should suffice. These experts have an unerring instinct of where to hit and should be able to help you convince the grants committee to reconsider.

Nice…

Hey Cap’n,

I’m about to apply for a variance to have all stupidity and idiocy eradicated from the midwest wherein I have been mired for the past few years… Quite an undertaking that should leave a crater the size of…well…America. Think perchance you could walk me through the procedure and write the application for me. I was going to use a krispy kreme bag, though…

Very good. I like tongue in cheek humour a lot.