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Sunday, August 07, 2011

Fools on the Hill

Category: Humor/Satire

In response to the very real threat of an American default on August 2, 2011, due to uncompromising congressional leaders, devout Tea Party member Michelle Bachmann (R -Minn), a 2012 presidential hopeful and long time migraine sufferer, graciously pledged to return 10% of her paycheck as ‘unearned’.

With her head pointed towards heaven, Congresswoman Bachmann declared, “I feel I have no right to a full paycheck while Congress struggles in an historic deadlock over impossible finances. After discussing this with my husband, I am sure God wants me to return 10% of my salary to the United States Treasury. Tithing to the federal government is not unlike gifting money to your church, especially if you missed 40% of recent House votes while out on the campaign trail.”

Not to be out done by his colleagues, in a display of extreme good citizenship, a tearful and effusive Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) declared, “I too can do more with less. I pledge to forgo one half of my $174,000 salary until the false drama of the debt ceiling impasse I helped create is settled, probably tonight or tomorrow. Like many Americans, some of whom enjoy a good stiff drink or two from time to time, I believe most members of congress are grossly overpaid.”

In a display of penultimate one-up-man-ship, a disgruntled Senate Leader Harry Reid (D -Nevada), a soft spoken older man who looks and acts like he needs a month of rest and relaxation at a Las Vegas resort spa, so much so he is constantly followed around by Senator Chuck Schumer (D- N.Y.) like a CPR qualified caregiver in waiting for his charge to collapse, called a hasty press conference, where, in response to the recent compensation actions by the opposition, has declined to accept any and all salary, amounting to paid service covering a period of hours, until the issue of America’s debt ceiling crisis is settled.

“I am an intractable democrat. At 71 years of age, I can still play hardball better than any misguided republican. As a member of America’s most exclusive millionaires club, and the poster child for all out of touch Washington insiders playing congressional games, people know me as an elected official helplessly addicted to the empty competition of party line politics. My aides have advised me to make a play and refuse any salary as long as the 112th Congress refuses to compromise. The issue before us is so serious, it could cause America to default on its debts and eventually go bankrupt. I call on all senators to follow my lead and work for free, at least until the start of the August recess. Recent research holds it is proper public relations to appear humble, even if only for a few hours.”

White house aides claim President Barack Obama, the first black president in American history, and the first president ever to let America come this close to the brink of default, was ‘out of pocket’, reportedly playing a round of miniature goofy golf with former Governor Blagojevich of Illinois while the rest of Washington appear on TV, looking worried, concerned, and otherwise seriously busy.

The disgraced governor, a one time homey of the wannabe golfer slash errant president, has been reduced to lobbying for a presidential pardon after his recent conviction on 17 counts of trying to sell former Senator Obama’s vacated senatorial seat for cash. Rumors abound the soon to be one term president could not be reached for a comment because he was stuck in a devilish quicksand trap on the first hole at the Camp David one hole golf course, caused by his feeble golfing ability, obvious lack of leadership skills, his non-existent volitional rapport with God, and his total disregard for the common citizen who does not have an elitist eastern education.

Editor’s note: The above salary return pledges are phony, a writer’s wishful thinking, made to illustrate an obscure point, as was the entire drama of raising the federal debt limit, a debate lasting the better part of eight months. In hindsight, the issue was manufactured by a handful of well meaning yet dysfunctional government leaders, being captained by one political party and challenged by the other. This vitriol filled media event slash ongoing debate was brought to you by some of the very same legal minds, who, in the past, created the underlying core problem of an unfair tax code, riddled with corporate loopholes, paid for by special interests like banksters, who get whatever they want, in a corpocracy tainted political system filled with paid lobbyists exchanging money for influence, despite its detrimental effect on helpless citizens.

Ironically, the all consuming problem anticlimactically disappeared, as pressing problems in Washington are want to do, evaporating in a mist of collective relief, within 24 hours on the last weekend in July, only hours before the start of the much anticipated five week congressional summer recess, a euphemism for legislative summer vacation.

Gone, but not forgotten, are the empty threats lodged against the backbone of America; its senior citizens, veterans, and the middle class working poor. What remains is a fallout of 10% unemployment, a ghostly empty Capital building, and a sense of a job well done. Apparently, in Washington D. C., nothing matters except reelection. Amazing!